Whatever Lyzz

Whatever, Lyzz: Just like a Rolex

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By Lyzz Repa

Just like a Rolex my maternal clock does not tick nor tock. I just want to put that out there on a public format for those of you who can’t quite seem to leave me alone about the subject. Motherhood is a beautiful thing, so I’ve been told, but it does not mean that it is a beauty in my eyes. Isn’t the saying “beauty is in the eye of the beholder,” well these eyes are not beholding anything, at least not yet. Let me rephrase that, motherhood is great, just not a greatness that I am willing or ready to partake in at this particular moment in my life. Selfish? Quite possibly, but I am alright with that title for now.

The only mother that I am willing to accept is preceded by the word God – Godmother. Now that title I proudly sport. In fact, I would legally change my name to Godmother Lyzz or Ninnin (nickname for godmother) Repa if I could. Trust me, I’ve looked into it. The process is way too grueling for me. I’d have to fill out a petition, actually locate my birth certificate, be present for a hearing and IF approved I’d have to publish my name change (that part might not be too difficult, just saying) and lastly change all of my IDs (now that’s the bummer). “Ain’t nobody got time for that.” So for now I’ll just keep training my godson, he’s five months, on how to say Ninnin.

The annoying part is when people don’t even bother to ask if you would like to bear children, they just make the assumption that you do because they see you with a cute baby. I’ll be gushing, more like obsessing, over my godson and someone will go “aww you two are so cute you should have your own.”

He is mine, what are you talking about?” is usually the only polite answer I can come up with or I pretend like I didn’t hear the comment altogether. And FYI we are cute together because he isn’t mine 24/7, I actually slept last night. Lookie here, anyone will look good with a returnable – baby. I typically get eight hours of sleep and when I don’t it is of my doing. Not because I was startled in the middle of the night by a crying little angel. “But Lyzz you would be such a great mother, look at him on your hips. Perfect” whenever someone says that (or a variation of that) I really want to respond with “you would look so peaceful in a casket; you should try it sometimes” but if I say that all hell would break loose.

I would gladly share custody of my godchild but his parents won’t allow it. I’ve asked for weekend visitation, they opened their door and said I can sleep over. I said how about summer vacation, they made it a family affair. I even offered to be a dead-beat parent who pays the minimum of child support, and they still said no. Apparently they are not a fan of money, or maybe it is the dead-beat parent part they had an issue with –shrug-. All jokes aside they would let me have him for a few days, I just haven’t asked in a way in which they feel secure that I would return him. After reading this week’s column I’m sure they will now!

Even mother nature is stating I should not have a full time baby, and when mother nature speaks I listen. How did mother nature tell me you ask? Oh, I got an answer. First she hasn’t rid me of my own baby weight, granted she did but sometime in the last few years I put it back on. Okay, so maybe that’s not the best answer. But the next one is: She told me by silencing all baby fever. I have no symptoms of pyrexia (fever) she provided me with a natural ibuprofen by the name of “Bad Economy” and every now and then she gives me a dosage of “Big baby.” I also self-medicate with “I don’t feel like it” and “I just don’t wanna.” And if that isn’t sufficient enough for you – Whatever!

May. 05, 2016

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